As I've gotten older, I've become used to injuring myself in stupid, unathletic ways.
But today I set a new bar: I hurt my knee writing.
I will be taking no further questions at this time.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 22, 2023
I had to tell my kids, "No killing curses in the house!"
Parents of muggles have it easy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 18, 2023
10-year-old: I'm so hungry.
Me: You can have any healthy snack you want.
10: I said hungry, not desperate.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 7, 2023
7-year-old : My new shoes are so beautiful.
Me: They sure are.
7-year-old: Time to get them dirty.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 2, 2023
Me: I need you to be good this weekend.
10-year-old: Just this weekend?
Me: Well, no. Always.
10: So your warning is meaningless.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 17, 2023
I asked my 1-year-old if she wanted pizza.
She nodded so hard she fell over.
So, yes, I'm sure she's mine.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 30, 2017
[doing dishes]
10-year-old: Do I have to wash this bowl?
Me: Yes. Why wouldn't you?
10: We could give up and throw it away.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2023
8-year-old: Do you have a favorite kid?
Me: That would be like you having a favorite parent.
8: It's Mom.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2023
12-year-old: *yells at her sisters*
Me: What's the problem now?
12: They're here.
Not sure I can solve that one.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 24, 2022
7-year-old: I'm pretending I have a store.
Me: What kind of store?
7: The kind where people give me money then go away.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 9, 2022