me: sit

dog: [sits]

me: stay

dog: [stays]

me: speak

dog: you cut out my genitals to prevent overpopulation, yet over 6 billion people were born since 1900. perhaps the scalpel should be directed elsewhere.

me: g-good boy

— Kellen (@captainkalvis) August 19, 2019

her: come over

me: i cant im under arrest for double homicide

her: my parents arent home

me: about that

— Kellen (@captainkalvis) May 17, 2019

I liked Endgame but feel like it would've been much shorter if every avenger didn't line up to smack Captain America on the ass and say "good game"

— Kellen (@captainkalvis) May 3, 2019

nobody:

jk Rowling: i had sex with hagrid

— Kellen (@captainkalvis) March 17, 2019

date: [sexily] what's your favorite position

me: [thinking for way too long] fetal

— Kellen (@captainkalvis) January 7, 2019