*me high as hell staring into my computer screen cuz i just misspelled grubhub for the 50th time in a row*

fbi agent monitoring my computer: why was i assigned this fucking moron

— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) January 6, 2018

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody's ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u've got more spanish to learn. u'll die when i say u can die

— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) December 3, 2018

reporter: hello

jk rowling: there was actually a fifth hogwarts house that no one knew about. it was called sex house and it was where the horniest wizards were sorted into. they spent their days fucking and sucking and not learning much magic at all

— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) March 17, 2019