interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that's when i didn't have a job

— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) February 2, 2022

me: [rolling over for the 40th time in the middle of the night]

the monster under my bed: will you shut the fuck up

— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) April 20, 2019

me: [sliding $400 across the table] you know why i'm here

mcdonald's cashier: [loudly to the restaurant] DON'T BE RIDICULOUS HAHA WE DONT KEEP RONALD MCDONALD CONTAINED IN THE WALK-IN FREEZER [turns to me] you really think you're ready to face him again

— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) March 9, 2019