do you think the inventor of the saxophone was trying to make that sound or was it a surprise

— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) March 9, 2024

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) January 7, 2024

sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) October 22, 2023

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) February 14, 2023

did he buy it https://t.co/JZbB7L7P91

— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) November 28, 2022

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

— evil slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) October 14, 2022

please be careful this halloween. kids will be outside

— evil slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) October 12, 2022

interviewer: sell me this pen

elon musk: *sweating* it can serve briefly as a boat

— evil slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) September 30, 2022

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

charles III: i was waiting for my mom to die

— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) September 10, 2022

no one:

middle schoolers: im gonna jump over that trash can

— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) March 6, 2022