Turtles were invented in 1905 when 2 frogs got stuck in a hat

— kim (@KimmyMonte) September 28, 2016

{job interview}
employer: how do you perform under pressure?
me: oh not well it’s hard to sing Queen

— kim (@KimmyMonte) December 12, 2023

hey, doc, it hurts when i do this *scrolls twitter*

— kim (@KimmyMonte) November 25, 2023

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

— kim (@KimmyMonte) September 9, 2023

my mother has a medical podcast where she tells me who has cancer or is dead it’s called my voicemail and it happens once a week

— kim (@KimmyMonte) May 12, 2023

what’s in my suitcase when i go away one night pic.twitter.com/AjYBklJeiT

— kim (@KimmyMonte) October 12, 2022

this dog literally failed every single test thrown at him to become a service dog and i am scream laughing. but imho he’s still a very very good boy. pic.twitter.com/fGdiUbmw5o

— kim. (@KimmyMonte) February 25, 2020

Netflix needs a category for my mother that's called "These Are Those Movies With That Guy From That Show"

— kim beans (@KimmyMonte) January 29, 2019