me: [sees someone walking their dog with airpods in their ears]
my brain: “what if the dog wants to chat”

— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) May 1, 2022

anyone who says “happy new year” is lying directly to your face

— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) December 31, 2021

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) August 30, 2021

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF's dog and laughs]
GF: "you'll regret that one day"
me: "why?"
GF: "my dog holds grudges"
me: "don't be stupid"
[one year later]
priest: "does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?"
from the back: "WOOF"

— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) April 5, 2018