Can’t we… can’t we ask the police to do it? https://t.co/dr7d472GFB
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) May 14, 2019
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Ironically Adam had a rib removed so he wouldn’t have to suck his own dick
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) May 10, 2019
DOCTOR: Now that you 2 are pregnant it’s important not to drink.
ME: Right. Because alcohol is expensive and the baby is still too stupid to appreciate that.
DOCTOR: No.
ME: Sorry. The “fetus” is still too stupid to appreciate that.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) April 1, 2019
Men find it so sexy when women eat bananas because they’re a great source of B6 and there’s nothing more appealing than a woman who can efficiently metabolize amino acids.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) March 26, 2019
[Me as a hitman]
ME: It’s done.HIM: *Whispers* What? No it’s not, I’m in the kitchen with him right now!
ME: *Smugly* I erroneously informed him a high-sugar diet wouldn’t be detrimental to his health. He’ll be lucky if he makes it another 30 years.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) March 23, 2019
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) March 19, 2019
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) March 11, 2019
Just realized there’s zero reason to wait until I die. I’m gonna start haunting people now.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) February 27, 2019
Guys, PLEASE be careful when you’re blowing kisses. Some guy didn’t make sure the path was clear and the kiss to his girlfriend hit me and now we’re married. 🙁
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) February 2, 2019
[Justice League tryouts]
SUPERMAN: What’s your power?ME: I know when geese are sad.
SUPERMAN: That’s not really helpful.
MY GOOSE: *honk*
ME: Look what u fucking did.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) January 27, 2019